I once said that all I need in this world are my friends and a pack of cigs with some beer on the side… I guess once is enough.
Observation holds the power of knowledge and in time it creates the greater understanding of acceptance. At this point, all I can say is – ‘nuff talking. Time is yours, mine’s up.
I knew what was at stake the moment I realized my feelings. I knew of the collateral damage, the potential chaos, and everything in between that surfaced from the depths of possibility. But never did I think it would take a turn like this, that from my vulnerabilities I would once again feel this kind of hurt. I go through my list of numbers and the sense of complete trust defies me. I allowed myself to break, to crumble beneath the weight of a really dark place in my life and I actually trusted someone enough to let them in but to see what it has become of it. Just, damn. I guess I deserved this, too.
Life is boring. People are vengeful. Good things always end. We do so many things and we don’t know why, and if we do find out why, it’s decades later and knowing why doesn’t matter any more.
I don’t think man was meant to attain happiness so easily. Happiness is like those palaces in fairy tales whose gates are guarded by dragons: we must fight in order to conquer it.
January 6th of 2005 was supposedly an unfortunate day. One of the worst things that could happen to an almost teenage girl is to be separated from her friends. On that day, I was supposed to share a room with my close friend on our Retreat. However, she got switched with someone else. Someone whom I thought was a complete opposite of me. Even though we’ve been in the same school starting from the time I learned what a crush is, I didn’t really got the chance to talk to her. I was certain that I’ll have the worst two nights, but when we finally got the chance to be inside the room, chaching. I got my best friend (thankyou tortillas) :)
She was the first person that convinced me to open up about myself; she was the first person that I talked to about my childhood “relationship” problem (HAHAHAHA). Years went by and I still find myself telling her more than that. From two people who got completely opposite character, I can assure you that we have A LOT in common now (*wink*)
We’ve been through a lot, individually. There was also a time that our relationship was tested. But through that comes a somewhat mother-daughter relationship I surely know will last a lifetime. I know that there were and are a lot of things she doesn’t understand about me and my decisions but that doesn’t make her love me less. She almost always doesn’t agree with me but what she never fails to do is accept me. Our life has grown from petty talks to “future” talks; to childhood heartbreaks to really painful ones.
To Gra, Xia, Bheszt, Gracia, Nay - HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! This year will be one of the greatest year we would have, especially you. Lamoyan. Hahaha! You’re probably the epitome of living life to the fullest that’s why I don’t worry about you kung san ka man mapunta. When life gives you lemon, you buy tequila! Di man tayo magkita ng one decade, I know na pag nagkita tayo, parang tayo pa rin yung nandun sa kwarto natin sa Retreat house. Thank you sa patuloy na pagpukpok sa ulo para lang maintindihan ko ang mga bagay bagay. Sus, sasabihin mo sana tinext ko nalang ‘to. Pero sweet ako kaya ganyan :”> You’ll always be one of the few people I’ll surely see on my senior citizen years. Di na’ko magddrama pa. Basta magkikita tayo soon! Love you forever Nay! Ikaw lang ang nakapagpasakay sakin sa space shuttle ng walang pilit! Forever Young!
It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.
I miss the sounds of the metal against metal, the screeching of tires from one destination to another, the inhalation of strangers that share the same proximity for the next few minutes - where, in that moment, at that very second, we stood together at the same spot out of the entire planet before parting ways to our separate lives. I’ve seen exhaustion, head rested against surfaces after long days and rough nights. I’ve been in the presence of the evil, the kind, the quiet, and the ostentatious. Sometimes though, I just want to leave. I want to pack up a notebook, a camera, headphones and go. Exploring every stop, of every passing city and knowing there is always a way back home. I miss the breath of the city, how in all its ruckus and pandemonium, there is this sense of peaceful silence.
The concept of perspectives in its entirety, wrapped in all its intricacies, completely fuels me. There is something about getting to know people that inspires me, like reading a book, ya know? I become engulfed into a whole different world and I see it through a different pair of eyes. It also helps that I’m a feeler, so not only do I visualize the world but I’m also able to inhabit it, making a temporary home. It helps me understand the human capacity and empathize… and escape.
To desire to be good, to do good, and to stay good; as a person to others and as an overall human being has probably been my greatest struggle. People have absolutely no idea just how much I’m willing to sacrifice, how much of myself I’m able to lose just to know that my role here on earth was somehow significant and positive in the lives of others. Nothing makes me happier than a “thank you” that is packaged with sincerity. An “I love you” that derives from a little place called home. But there comes a time where it’s me against myself. Where I’m being tugged from all different directions and I want to be there, and there, and over there all at the same time but it seems to always leave little to no time for myself at the end of the day. Reaching to a point where I’m laying there at night wondering why there’s this seemingly expanding void that seems to fill up my mind. That the more I give, the more I help… the less of myself I become in the event of realizing that people are, and will always be, after themselves and for themselves. I try really fucking hard and yet with every attempt, I seem to be at the same place wondering the same things. I did not walk through land mines to lose my own mind all over again. It’s almost a new year. It’s a new start. A new chance. But I’m struggling so much that I’m starting to fear that this, this right here, is all that is left of me and while you’re off fearing the thought of losing me… I’m just here trying to not lose myself. So tell me what you think you know about me.
Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.