I knew what was at stake the moment I realized my feelings. I knew of the collateral damage, the potential chaos, and everything in between that surfaced from the depths of possibility. But never did I think it would take a turn like this, that from my vulnerabilities I would once again feel this kind of hurt. I go through my list of numbers and the sense of complete trust defies me. I allowed myself to break, to crumble beneath the weight of a really dark place in my life and I actually trusted someone enough to let them in but to see what it has become of it. Just, damn.
I guess I deserved this, too.
“Life is boring. People are vengeful. Good things always end. We do so many things and we don’t know why, and if we do find out why, it’s decades later and knowing why doesn’t matter any more.”—― Douglas Coupland (via psych-quotes)
“I don’t think man was meant to attain happiness so easily. Happiness is like those palaces in fairy tales whose gates are guarded by dragons: we must fight in order to conquer it.”—― Alexandre Dumas (via psych-quotes)
January 6th of 2005 was supposedly an unfortunate day. One of the worst things that could happen to an almost teenage girl is to be separated from her friends. On that day, I was supposed to share a room with my close friend on our Retreat. However, she got switched with someone else. Someone whom I thought was a complete opposite of me. Even though we’ve been in the same school starting from the time I learned what a crush is, I didn’t really got the chance to talk to her. I was certain that I’ll have the worst two nights, but when we finally got the chance to be inside the room, chaching. I got my best friend (thankyou tortillas) :)
She was the first person that convinced me to open up about myself; she was the first person that I talked to about my childhood “relationship” problem (HAHAHAHA). Years went by and I still find myself telling her more than that. From two people who got completely opposite character, I can assure you that we have A LOT in common now (*wink*)
We’ve been through a lot, individually. There was also a time that our relationship was tested. But through that comes a somewhat mother-daughter relationship I surely know will last a lifetime. I know that there were and are a lot of things she doesn’t understand about me and my decisions but that doesn’t make her love me less. She almost always doesn’t agree with me but what she never fails to do is accept me. Our life has grown from petty talks to “future” talks; to childhood heartbreaks to really painful ones.
To Gra, Xia, Bheszt, Gracia, Nay - HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
This year will be one of the greatest year we would have, especially you. Lamoyan. Hahaha! You’re probably the epitome of living life to the fullest that’s why I don’t worry about you kung san ka man mapunta. When life gives you lemon, you buy tequila! Di man tayo magkita ng one decade, I know na pag nagkita tayo, parang tayo pa rin yung nandun sa kwarto natin sa Retreat house. Thank you sa patuloy na pagpukpok sa ulo para lang maintindihan ko ang mga bagay bagay. Sus, sasabihin mo sana tinext ko nalang ‘to. Pero sweet ako kaya ganyan :”> You’ll always be one of the few people I’ll surely see on my senior citizen years. Di na’ko magddrama pa. Basta magkikita tayo soon! Love you forever Nay! Ikaw lang ang nakapagpasakay sakin sa space shuttle ng walang pilit! Forever Young!
“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.”—― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj (via psych-quotes)
The concept of perspectives in its entirety, wrapped in all its intricacies, completely fuels me. There is something about getting to know people that inspires me, like reading a book, ya know? I become engulfed into a whole different world and I see it through a different pair of eyes. It also helps that I’m a feeler, so not only do I visualize the world but I’m also able to inhabit it, making a temporary home. It helps me understand the human capacity and empathize… and escape.
To desire to be good, to do good, and to stay good; as a person to others and as an overall human being has probably been my greatest struggle. People have absolutely no idea just how much I’m willing to sacrifice, how much of myself I’m able to lose just to know that my role here on earth was somehow significant and positive in the lives of others. Nothing makes me happier than a “thank you” that is packaged with sincerity. An “I love you” that derives from a little place called home. But there comes a time where it’s me against myself. Where I’m being tugged from all different directions and I want to be there, and there, and over there all at the same time but it seems to always leave little to no time for myself at the end of the day. Reaching to a point where I’m laying there at night wondering why there’s this seemingly expanding void that seems to fill up my mind. That the more I give, the more I help… the less of myself I become in the event of realizing that people are, and will always be, after themselves and for themselves. I try really fucking hard and yet with every attempt, I seem to be at the same place wondering the same things. I did not walk through land mines to lose my own mind all over again. It’s almost a new year. It’s a new start. A new chance. But I’m struggling so much that I’m starting to fear that this, this right here, is all that is left of me and while you’re off fearing the thought of losing me… I’m just here trying to not lose myself. So tell me what you think you know about me.
“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.”—Andrew Boyd (via she-whispers)
there is not a soul in the world who could fathom the intensities of my thoughts. to listen without the need of overwhelming advisory to a subject they don’t quite understand. sometimes I crave solitude because it is sweet and it is the only time to myself that is entirely mine in physicality, despite the avenues in which my mind would take in the whirlwind of disconnected thoughts. I’m here, there, and a million other places all at once but I will always be alone, in empatheia.
We live in a world where it’s more acceptable to dislike yourself and openly say “I am ugly” rather than actually appreciate yourself and openly say “I am attractive” because how dare you feel good in your skin and say it out loud, what an awful human being you are, you can’t walk around thinking you’re good, you piece of shit.
“The problem with improvement via new year’s resolutions is that they tend to centre on removing things from your life - drinking, smoking, eating four packets of crisps on the bounce while pressing “refresh” endlessly on Facebook - rather than adding things. They’re all about making your life smaller. And I’m instinctively anti-smaller lives. Balls to smaller lives. Balls to denial and unhappiness and rationing. Our lives - like our hearts, our vocabularies and our hair - should all be about remorseless embiggenment.”—Resolutions I Failed at by Caitlin Moran, in The Times, 04 Jan 2014. (via fuckyeahcaitlinmoran)
It’s the last day of the year, which gives birth to the horror filled question - "where did 2013 go?"
And so, this is my year-end blog post, trying to answer the stupefyingly question above.
Just like everyone, I’ve said that "2013 is gonna be my best year!" What was waiting for me at the start of this year was Thesis Defense, Graduation, Job and Graduate School. What I’ve managed to accomplish was: Regret buckling my tongue in our Thesis Defense, bawling and fighting with my Mom on my Graduation, postponing my job search because I was being in denial about leaving school and not enrolling to Graduate School because I don’t think I deserve it. Awesome.
Like what I said on my previous post, I think my life had skipped 2013. I’ve spent more than half of this year being a bum. Looking back I think my greatest achievement this year was dying my hair and getting my wisdom tooth pulled out. Bazinga.
Okay, fine. There were bits of events in my year where applause might be reasonable.
・We placed 4th on the Thesis Poster Contest where I was part of the representatives (had it not been for the point deduction given to us because my partner was late, we would be in 3rd place)
・I was offered 2 jobs just weeks after our graduation and 2 other jobs when I decided to do job searching part 2 (declined those because ‘I don’t feel like it.’)
・I got an invitation to take my Masters Degree in a prestigious international University (my “the one that got away” *sigh*)
・I managed to become a bum for 8 months. *slow clap*
・After how many years, I’ve successfully completed my trip to the Optical Clinic and finally got my glasses (Yes, this was a big deal!)
・My brother’s baby boy was born!
・I was part of the contributors of photos in "Art for a Cause" for the survivors of Haiyan in Intramuros, Manila. That awkward but awesome moment of seeing someone buy one of your photos in front of you. Better than the feeling of seeing my highschool crush run sweaty. Yup.
・Managed to have that clean slate with my old friends. Fulfilling.
And last but not the least (man, that really wasn’t a lot huh? *sigh*)…
・Scored that Job that I was sure almost every one in my batch would absolutely love to have! I don’t mean to brag but yes, it is thaaaat awesome!
Now, you see what I mean by saying that my life (somehow) skipped 2013? But yeah, okay. I’ve put “somehow” because this year was still awesome. Hence, my kinda profound part of this post.
This was my post for the year 2013. Things may not have gone according to plan but such is life isn’t it? Life doesn’t follow a set of rules. Most of the time we don’t get what we want, we don’t get what we deserve. We get what we get and there’s nothing we could do about it but make the most out of it for our own good. My year may have gone by without much when you look at it as a to-do list. But it is abundant in learning I know for sure serves me right. Life doesn’t end in a year. Your life doesn’t have to be judged by what happened to you in a certain year. Our life is continuos and each year is nothing but a stepping stone towards your destination. Every failure, every step back, every triumph. My year may not be as awesome as the others but surely, it is one helluva amazing year. Someday, I know, my future self would thank this 2013 for being a bum.
As for 2014, I’m gonna let others have the phrase “this is gonna be my best year!" Because this year, the phrase I’m gonna be using is, "I’m gonna claim 2014." And I’ll be fricking sure of that.
So, buckle up and get yourselves ready. Flush the shits of 2013 and prepare your asses for 2014! Happy New Year everyone!
I wrote this few years ago. Back when I was still very “Catholic-y”. Sad to say, but difficult years people did me the opposite of strengthening my faith and connection to Him. For people who like labels, you may call me an Agnostic Theist. I have my reasons but that’s for another blog post. For now, I just wanna greet everyone a…
Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays/ Happy Fattening/ Happy Currently Commercialized Made Up Holiday by Christians who Just Appropriated it from a Pagan Ritual Acknowledging the Changing of the Solstice (Celdran, 2013)!
"Ate! Ate! Can I ask you a question?” Jimmy said while unwrapping the gifts he received this Christmas. “Sure honey. What is it?” I said as I brush the hair away from his face.
Jimmy, like the other kids, can’t just stay in one place. He run around and plays with his toys all the time. Being an only child, he loves seeing people around him. This time, it’s different. He doesn’t run around the house to irritate us with his mischievousness.
"Uhm… I just learned from school last week that Christmas is Papa Jesus’ birthday,” he said, still having a hard time opening his not so few gifts. “Hmm… well, if that is so, Ate, why are we the ones who ask for gifts? Isn’t that bad?”
I saw his innocent eyes getting all teary. “I think I’m a bad kid. I ask too much. Papa Jesus will hate me.”
His face made my heart melt. How could these words come out from such a little kid?
“Oh baby, don’t cry. Papa Jesus will not hate you. You know why?” I said as I put him on my lap. “He gives us the privilege to ask for gifts or things we want this Christmas because seeing us happy is the best gift He could ever receive on His birthday.”
He looked at me, gave me peck on my cheeks and wiped his tears. “I love you Ate! And from now on, I will not be sad every Christmas for Papa Jesus!”
“Good. He sees you and I know that He is very proud of you Jimmy.”
Christmas and New Year are my favorite time of the year. In line with Valentines Day and of course, my Birthday. I love the lights, the cool breeze, the reunions, booze, the traditions and duh, the copious amount of carbs on the table. However, this year, I felt like I’ve skipped Christmas. Well to be honest, I felt like my life kinda skipped 2013. Again, that’s for another post. Maybe my year ender post! *wink*
Anyhow, as I was saying, I felt like I haven’t maximized my Christmas spirit. I guess that’s what happens when you add number to your age.
For this year, it’s just me and our helper. Brother’s got his own family now so he’s with them, Mom’s out of the country and Dad’s at work. Maybe he’ll come home later. Surprisingly tho, I’m not that sad or sentimental this season. I guess it just makes me happy seeing how other people strive for their own happiness. Despite everything, people seem to stray away from being a first class whinger.
As I’ve alluded earlier, Christmas and New year are not run-of-the-mill occasions. You don’t have to believe in a “Jesus” to enjoy Christmas. Take a look around and maybe you can find your own meaning of this holiday - like the Grinch. So I hope you guys enjoy it. Again, cheers to you from my crooked but lovely heart! :)
The pierces and tattoos you have on your
body are there to remind you something.
Look at them. Touch them. Remember how
and why you got them.
Fear and pain is an old friend.
Now, be calm.
Let's have our late Thanksgiving
with these twats.
“I had learned early to assume something dark and lethal hidden at the heart of anything I loved. When I couldn’t find it, I responded, bewildered and wary, in the only way I knew how: by planting it there myself.”—Tana French, In the Woods (via mrvonnegut)
Haven’t updated my tumblr in a while now. I’ve been using a different platform. But tumblr took my blogging virginity so it’s hard to let go of (well, blogspot technically was my first but we didn’t went all the way so..). My life is a big conundrum. Fun.