I want to feel my life. I want to stop agreeing to things I don’t really want.
I’m indecisive because I see eight sides to everything.
there is not a soul in the world who could fathom the intensities of my thoughts. to listen without the need of overwhelming advisory to a subject they don’t quite understand. sometimes I crave solitude because it is sweet and it is the only time to myself that is entirely mine in physicality, despite the avenues in which my mind would take in the whirlwind of disconnected thoughts. I’m here, there, and a million other places all at once but I will always be alone, in empatheia.
We live in a world where it’s more acceptable to dislike yourself and openly say “I am ugly” rather than actually appreciate yourself and openly say “I am attractive” because how dare you feel good in your skin and say it out loud, what an awful human being you are, you can’t walk around thinking you’re good, you piece of shit.
You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
The problem with improvement via new year’s resolutions is that they tend to centre on removing things from your life - drinking, smoking, eating four packets of crisps on the bounce while pressing “refresh” endlessly on Facebook - rather than adding things. They’re all about making your life smaller. And I’m instinctively anti-smaller lives. Balls to smaller lives. Balls to denial and unhappiness and rationing. Our lives - like our hearts, our vocabularies and our hair - should all be about remorseless embiggenment.
“Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out.”
Time is a man-made concept. Today, we celebrate the ending and the beginning of another man-made concept - Year. Believe that if a man is the one responsible for the measurement of time, we can also control our own life. What if a year ends every 6mos? 24mos? Live without limiting yourself because of time.
New Year doesn’t mean you have to change your old ways to be better. It might mean that you have to continue what you’re doing until you reach your best. New Year doesn’t mean that you have to let go of your old friends and meet new ones. It might mean that this is an opportunity to make your existing relationships stronger. New Year gives us possibilities, opportunities, freedom, choices.. New Year gives us those things - just like what everyday offers us.
In a nutshell, do not limit yourself by changing or altering yourself just because it’s a new year. Everyday, we are given that opportunity. Grab it, seize it. Time doesn’t have an ending, but life does :)
My 2013 might not be as eventful as the others but in retrospect, it was as amazing. And I am certain that my future self would thank this year for being a prick but awesome nonetheless.
Happy New Day, Happy New Month, Happy New Year, Happy New Beginning! :)
'13 going on '14
It’s the last day of the year, which gives birth to the horror filled question - "where did 2013 go?"
And so, this is my year-end blog post, trying to answer the stupefyingly question above.
Just like everyone, I’ve said that "2013 is gonna be my best year!" What was waiting for me at the start of this year was Thesis Defense, Graduation, Job and Graduate School. What I’ve managed to accomplish was: Regret buckling my tongue in our Thesis Defense, bawling and fighting with my Mom on my Graduation, postponing my job search because I was being in denial about leaving school and not enrolling to Graduate School because I don’t think I deserve it.
Like what I said on my previous post, I think my life had skipped 2013. I’ve spent more than half of this year being a bum. Looking back I think my greatest achievement this year was dying my hair and getting my wisdom tooth pulled out. Bazinga.
Okay, fine. There were bits of events in my year where applause might be reasonable.
・We placed 4th on the Thesis Poster Contest where I was part of the representatives (had it not been for the point deduction given to us because my partner was late, we would be in 3rd place)
・I was offered 2 jobs just weeks after our graduation and 2 other jobs when I decided to do job searching part 2 (declined those because ‘I don’t feel like it.’)
・I got an invitation to take my Masters Degree in a prestigious international University (my “the one that got away” *sigh*)
・I managed to become a bum for 8 months. *slow clap*
・After how many years, I’ve successfully completed my trip to the Optical Clinic and finally got my glasses (Yes, this was a big deal!)
・My brother’s baby boy was born!
・I was part of the contributors of photos in "Art for a Cause" for the survivors of Haiyan in Intramuros, Manila. That awkward but awesome moment of seeing someone buy one of your photos in front of you. Better than the feeling of seeing my highschool crush run sweaty. Yup.
・Managed to have that clean slate with my old friends. Fulfilling.
And last but not the least (man, that really wasn’t a lot huh? *sigh*)…
・Scored that Job that I was sure almost every one in my batch would absolutely love to have! I don’t mean to brag but yes, it is thaaaat awesome!
Now, you see what I mean by saying that my life (somehow) skipped 2013? But yeah, okay. I’ve put “somehow” because this year was still awesome. Hence, my kinda profound part of this post.
This was my post for the year 2013. Things may not have gone according to plan but such is life isn’t it? Life doesn’t follow a set of rules. Most of the time we don’t get what we want, we don’t get what we deserve. We get what we get and there’s nothing we could do about it but make the most out of it for our own good. My year may have gone by without much when you look at it as a to-do list. But it is abundant in learning I know for sure serves me right. Life doesn’t end in a year. Your life doesn’t have to be judged by what happened to you in a certain year. Our life is continuos and each year is nothing but a stepping stone towards your destination. Every failure, every step back, every triumph. My year may not be as awesome as the others but surely, it is one helluva amazing year. Someday, I know, my future self would thank this 2013 for being a bum.
As for 2014, I’m gonna let others have the phrase “this is gonna be my best year!" Because this year, the phrase I’m gonna be using is, "I’m gonna claim 2014." And I’ll be fricking sure of that.
So, buckle up and get yourselves ready. Flush the shits of 2013 and prepare your asses for 2014! Happy New Year everyone!
I wrote this few years ago. Back when I was still very “Catholic-y”. Sad to say, but difficult
years people did me the opposite of strengthening my faith and connection to Him. For people who like labels, you may call me an Agnostic Theist. I have my reasons but that’s for another blog post. For now, I just wanna greet everyone a…
Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays/ Happy Fattening/ Happy Currently Commercialized Made Up Holiday by Christians who Just Appropriated it from a Pagan Ritual Acknowledging the Changing of the Solstice (Celdran, 2013)!
"Ate! Ate! Can I ask you a question?” Jimmy said while unwrapping the gifts he received this Christmas. “Sure honey. What is it?” I said as I brush the hair away from his face.
Jimmy, like the other kids, can’t just stay in one place. He run around and plays with his toys all the time. Being an only child, he loves seeing people around him. This time, it’s different. He doesn’t run around the house to irritate us with his mischievousness.
"Uhm… I just learned from school last week that Christmas is Papa Jesus’ birthday,” he said, still having a hard time opening his not so few gifts. “Hmm… well, if that is so, Ate, why are we the ones who ask for gifts? Isn’t that bad?”
I saw his innocent eyes getting all teary. “I think I’m a bad kid. I ask too much. Papa Jesus will hate me.”
His face made my heart melt. How could these words come out from such a little kid?
“Oh baby, don’t cry. Papa Jesus will not hate you. You know why?” I said as I put him on my lap. “He gives us the privilege to ask for gifts or things we want this Christmas because seeing us happy is the best gift He could ever receive on His birthday.”
He looked at me, gave me peck on my cheeks and wiped his tears. “I love you Ate! And from now on, I will not be sad every Christmas for Papa Jesus!”
“Good. He sees you and I know that He is very proud of you Jimmy.”
Christmas and New Year are my favorite time of the year. In line with Valentines Day and of course, my Birthday. I love the lights, the cool breeze, the reunions, booze, the traditions and duh, the copious amount of carbs on the table. However, this year, I felt like I’ve skipped Christmas. Well to be honest, I felt like my life kinda skipped 2013. Again, that’s for another post. Maybe my year ender post! *wink*
Anyhow, as I was saying, I felt like I haven’t maximized my Christmas spirit. I guess that’s what happens when you add number to your age.
For this year, it’s just me and our helper. Brother’s got his own family now so he’s with them, Mom’s out of the country and Dad’s at work. Maybe he’ll come home later. Surprisingly tho, I’m not that sad or sentimental this season. I guess it just makes me happy seeing how other people strive for their own happiness. Despite everything, people seem to stray away from being a first class whinger.
As I’ve alluded earlier, Christmas and New year are not run-of-the-mill occasions. You don’t have to believe in a “Jesus” to enjoy Christmas. Take a look around and maybe you can find your own meaning of this holiday - like the Grinch. So I hope you guys enjoy it. Again, cheers to you from my crooked but lovely heart! :)